10 Things To Do With A Frisbee, 10 Things NOT To Do With A Michael Frisbee.

Where to start?

First of all, fuck off with your Comic Sans and have strong words with your layout artist. If it were possible to catch migraines or epilepsy I’d now have both as a result of looking at this.

So here’s those so-called ‘top tips’ again. But are they actually as ‘top’ as they claim to be? Or are they actually middle? Or perhaps even bottom…?

1, Fill With birdseed and put in your garden...
…so your garden looks like a bunch of kids have left their stuff everywhere. Just buy a birdtable. That way the birds may stand a chance of surviving the local cats.

2, Keep by your kettle to put your used teabags on…
…what are you saving them for? In case the bomb drops and there’s a rush on PG Tips? Or the economy finally collapses for good & they’re the highest form of currency? Just put them in the bin.

3, They’re perfect as snack plates for a party…
…no they’re not.

Guest:  “Is this a FRISBEE?”
You: “Yeah, great idea eh?!”
Guest: “Oh…….right….y’know, I think I’ll just have a beer, I ate before I came out”.

4, Use one as a painting palette. You can drill a large hole to put your thumb through…
…drill a large hole your own head to put your thumb through.

5, A small frisbee can be kept by the sink as a soap dish…
…no it can’t.

6, Carefully drill small holes through the middle and use to pan for gold…

…Your name isn’t ‘Billy Bob’ and it’s not the 19th century American midwest. See point 4.

7, Use as a dirty spoon holder…
…your mum’s a dirty spoon holder.

8, Paint your own design on it and hang it on the wall…
…if you’re working in a mental health occupational therapy unit.

9, Create a UFO mobile for kids, it will keep them amused for hours…
…no it won’t.

10, Use as a dog bowl for either food or water for your pet…
… and be prepared for a visit from your friendly neighbourhood RSPCA warden. A dog’s daily food & water intake should be more than half an inch deep & most of that’ll spill all over your kitchen floor anyway. Dog bowls are deep for reason.

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10 Things NOT To Do With A Michael Frisbee

1, Make Michael Frisbee angry.
Michael Frisbee WILL exercise his constitutional rights, and it’s his constitutional right to machine gun his initials into your face & wear your ballbag as a beanie hat.

3, Throw Michael Frisbee…
Despite his name, Michael Frisbee is of limited aerodynamic value and the fun involved in throwing him is disproportionate to the effort involved.

4, Ask why, despite being a web content and graphics consultant, Michael Frisbee’s website isn’t very good.
Michael Frisbee believes, like Ted Stevens before him, that internets are next big thing and pledges to widen America’s series of tubes to double their current width, bringing download speeds of up to 8 kilowats per cubic minute to everyone in North America by 2027. Michael Frisbee  also pledges a free upgrade to Windows 3.1 for all his constituents’ IBM personal computers.

5, Tell Michael Frisbee you’re not convinced party politics is an effective form of Government and ask if there’s a more collaborative people-centred approach with which to govern a country and serve genuine need at a local level.
See point 1.

6, Take Michael Frisbee to Australia.
Remember that Simpsons episode? Michael Frisbee does, and will cite it as precedent in his defence in any court of law.

7, Offer Michael Frisbee the opinion there is in fact a THIRD option in George W Bush’s “You’re either with us or with the terrorists” divisive rhetoric.
Michael Frisbee defines ‘us’ as the people within 10 feet of his current location and ‘the terrorists’ as anyone not within the same room as he happens to be in at any one time. The possibility of a third option will result in a blue screen error and immediate shutdown & reboot of Michael Frisbee.

8, Tell Michael Frisbee That The Queen Is The Head Of State Of The United Kingdom.
Michael Frisbee was not aware Dolly Parton ruled that cute lil’ island. Additionally, Michael Frisbee only recognises one King. He is not the husband of Dolly Parton but he did have impressive hair and play a guitar.

9, Admit to Michael Frisbee that you’ve played GTA IV AND Modern Warfare 2 but not had crime/murder fantasies afterward.
Michael Frisbee watched a beatnik play Space Invaders for 5 minutes in 1980. Six months (and 20 dead hobo’s buried in the desert) later he is certain video games made him do it. Michael Frisbee pledges to ban all video games apart from Tetris and ‘Escape From The Planet Of The Robot Monsters‘ as he believes these two games provide essential training in how to survive an attack of either zombies and sentient robots and/or geometric shapes made up of four squares.

10, Comment that Michael Frisbee bears a resemblance (however small) to Bryan Butterfield.
See point 1.

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And now it’s time for me to apologise to Michael Frisbee.

If you’re one of his constituents, a member of his family or even the man himself I mean no offense. I state in no uncertain terms that everything I have said about Michael Frisbee above is in no way true or based on any kind of factual knowledge of him (I don’t even live in the US!). I did an image search in Google for ‘Top 10 things to do with a frisbee’ and up popped a picture of him. This has been written not in mean spirit but purely as a bit of fun and no harm is intended.

But before you ask, no, I’m not voting for you. Even if I could vote in America it’d be The Green Party all the way.